Friday, March 09, 2001

Never Crying Again

remember late night winter drives
the conversation always turned to
(never if)
I kill myself..*
"I'll set myself on fire"
"Take her down with me"
mine never changed...
"I will cut my wrists in a warm bath"
with more thought now,
I have changed my mind
still slice my veins,
but in a waterfall
allow my arms and the water
to shed the tears i no longer allow

Saturday, December 02, 2000

the new home of tell me a story.. i'll explain more in the morning but theres going to be some moving =) <3 <3 <3 goodnight, sweet dreams, xoxoxo jess

Friday, December 01, 2000

if hearts were on sale at k-mart,
i probably would not buy one
not even on sunday after i got paid
because all they do is
break, and
beat, and
beat blood,
and who needs blood when there is no one left to share it with.

and so, on that day when i walk into k-mart, and i look to my left and see that rack of hearts and that red and white 50% off sign,
i will walk right by it
and go purchase myself a spine,
even if it's full price.
it would be heaven to see your face everyday.
*would i be out of line, if i said that i missed you?*
"she gave me a pen. i gave her my heart, and she gave me a pen."
*say anything*
~* you're nobody 'til somebody loves you. you're nobody 'til somebody cares. you may be king. you may possess the world and its gold...but gold wont bring you happiness when you're growin' old. the world is still the same you'll never change it, and sure as the stars shine above. you're nobody until somebody loves you. so find yourself somebody to love.*~ frank sinatra. ohhhh yeah.
i want to live in the city with no friends or family. i'm gonna look out the window of my color tv. i will remember to remember to forget you forgot me, i'm gonna look out the window of my color tv... . .
d a n i e l l e [***] k i t t e n k i l l

Thursday, November 30, 2000

~*i sit here with a decision staring me in the face.
ive made this mistake before,
to make it again would break me in two.
how many times before i get it right?
i may never know...
because the risk of loss is scary enough to always keep me guessing.
i talk myself into corners
with no way out
for i speak of realization and appreciation yet i neglect these ideas myself.
im overwhelmed with guilt since ive been on the other side.
i know how it must feel.
when every whisper is a hopeful suggestion,
every smile is a possible returning gesture,
and every touch a wistful preamble to something more.
i dont like this position,
where my heart doesnt hang in the balance,
where i have the ability to crush someone else's in the palm of my hand,
and so i reflect.
i cant do it.
i wont do it.
i refuse to be something im not.
a broken heart is MY home.
now get out of my house.*~
~*you tear me down.
while you build walls around yourself to keep me out.
how could i ever like these things about you?
you made me feel special.
out of all those that adored you,
you chose to have me by your side.
it was inevitable we'd fall.
i knew you would find someone else
to fit your perfect mold in your ignorant world.
im sorry my blood doesnt run cold,
or i could have held out longer.*~

there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I'm too tough for him,
I say, stay in there, I'm not going
to let anybody see

there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I pur whiskey on him and inhale
cigarette smoke
and the whores and the bartenders
and the grocery clerks
never know that
in there.

there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I'm too tough for him,
I say,
stay down, do you want to mess
me up?
you want to screw up the
you want to blow my book sales in

there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I'm too clever, I only let him out
at night sometimes
when everybody's asleep.
I say, I know that you're there,
so don't be
then I put him back,
but he's singing a little
in there, I haven't quite let him
and we sleep together like
with our
secret pact
and it's nice enough to
make a man
weep, but I don't
weep, do
(Charles Bukowski)
8 count

from my bed
I watch
3 birds
on a telephone
one flies
one is left,
it too
is gone.
my typewriter is
and I am
reduced to bird
just thought I'd
let you
(Charles Bukowski)
x26xmufasa: yo wanna be part of my crew ? it's called "kittenkill" it's from a charles bukowski poem.. and all you have to do is be really proud of it and write kitten kill on's not killing kittens hehe so don't worry...
the poem is : true revolution comes from true revultion , when things get band enough, the kitten will kill the lion...
the phone rings and i know it could only be one person. i answer. i smile. this is what makes me happy.

Sing me to sleep
Sing me to sleep
I'm tired and I
I want to go to bed
Sing me to sleep
Sing me to sleep
And then leave me alone
Don't try to wake me in the morning
'Cause I will be gone
Don't feel bad for me
I want you to know
Deep in the cell of my heart
I will feel so glad to go
Sing me to sleep
Sing me to sleep
I don't want to wake up
On my own anymore
Sing to me
Sing to me
I don't want to wake up
On my own anymore
Don't feel bad for me
I want you to know
Deep in the cell of my heart
I really want to go
There is another world
There is a better world
Well, there must be
Well, there must be
Bye bye.


Wednesday, November 29, 2000

. the long ago world of dreams that meant something.

door slam and adam sings to me in my right ear making my left ear a bit jealous and consitantly interested as to what sounds come from across the way.. i stayed all day sober, imagine that. adam sings to me drunk, his rugged voice bleeding of alcohol. i'm a little intrigued onto what drink he feels suitable to introduce to his genious body ... and i want to be that drink, or at least the cup, or the ice cube that graces his lips. oh i want to touch you and see you and get your phone number and call you and sit in my closet as you sing me to sleep again... his melodies are making me wonder about the oceans and of insects and of love and .. how he sings my thoughts. he sees them right through my ears. who says eyes are the key to the soul never sang into someone's ear after a long sober day. a day of walking and breathing and longing for these 3 minutes when adam decides to awaken me and tell me his fairy tales that i always believe. and the endings come like hell to an angel, suprisingly and full of doubt, as his lips leave me with a sigh. he's gone before i can even open my eyes again. and my right ear awaits for night to fall and for adam to finish all that he's started in me..

its hard to realize
that no matter
how hard you fight
how hard you love someone
they can not care
when you're upset...
you can never make someone love you
in the backseat
of my own car
the two people i care about the most
in the front
and i'm lying here in the back alone
you were with me here weeks ago
what happened?
i'm thinking bout how hard
i would have to press
to make myself bleed
and i dont wipe these tears
off my face
even though they bite my cheeks
maybe you'll notice
understand how i feel
since words dont work anymore
hardly anyone cares...


Tuesday, November 28, 2000

*i hope his conscience eats him alive*
~*its like when you are excited about a girl and you see a couple holding hands, and you feel so happy for them. and other times you see the same couple, and they make you so mad. and all you want is to always feel happy for them because you know that if you do, then it means that you're happy too.*~
the perks of being a wallflower, chbosky.
Dont ever eat pork rinds, i dont know what the fuck i was thinking.
Kristina Delong is a moron.
E is cool.
and monkeys are also cool.
~*you cause me to gush tears from my broken heart.
everyone has their flaws.
if im stubborn, you're ignorant.
we could have been so happy.
in the land of white picket fences and freshly mowed lawns.
you couldnt have shut your eyes tighter,
hiding from everything right in front of you,
hiding from me.
maybe im not your ideal but i love you,
and if thats not enough i dont know what is.
can i please have my heart back?*~


Monday, November 27, 2000

a moment too good to be real
we're holding on to our own reality
as we hold on to each other
as you turn away
the moonlight catches the tears in your eyes
i pull you closer and everything whirls around us like
a dream....
if only you knew how i felt.....and i could show you that
everything's going to be ok
some old stuff}
comfort of loneliness of the night
but then it always comes back to my feelings for you
lost within my own words
you're drowning in my promises
yet you fail to see all the faith that i have in you
i wont be taken on another ride
because i can't bear another sunrise
with that lost look within your eyes
<3 rhon
wise words of hendrix....
you have to forget about what other people say
when you're supposed to die, or when you're supposed
to be loving. you have to forget about these things.
you have to go on and be crazy...craziness is like heaven
<3 rhon
he whispers softly into the night
and dreams of an angel....
an angel to carry him away from the world
the world which he has fallen so far from
he wonders wide-eyed why the world has turned
a g a i n s t
and again he glances into the sky
and feels like everything that he feels is like a dream
the love he dreams of is translucent
if you listen
he speaks to his poetry
filled with his hurt and sorrow
he growls into the dark
at the pain the universe brings him
truths lay in shadows
in the time between waking and sleeping
in a world transformed by moonlight
distance means nothing to me...
it only makes me want to see you longer
the moon is always in the same place when i leave your house. and i glance up at it every time, and note how full (or not full) it is, as i pull your front door closed, as quietly as i can, trying not to wake you up.

i always envy you that, that you are warm and sleepy in the bed where we were laying for the past hours, allready half dreaming. while i have to kiss you goodbye and then walk out to my car, staying awake so i dont crash and die on the way home.

i always floor it. the whole way home i see how fast i can go. i dont know why, i guess leaving your house always feels like a dream. i dont think i could die coming home from your house, i'm too loved and sleepy and safe.

safe because you always hug me and you're always warm.

and because i always tell you sweet dreams.

"A dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world"
Oscar Wilde
cant try to picture your face
only haunts my dreams
two thousand hurts later
and its still me
and a sinking ship
curled up in a dream
you are an angel, sent to
rescue me from hell.
boy you hold meand
i am ok. safe in our
island paradise
"The longing not to be nothing is one of the sharpest hungers a human being can know."
Michael Drury

alone i sit here nite after nite.
"what do you dream about?"
(words unheard)
somewhere faraway you cry your self to sleep.
wasting your life as i waste away in mine.
months go by.
till one day we just give up...
never will i hate you more than that day...
waiting for you.
peering out the window.
about 2 miles of oranges
and you never came.
fuck you.

and i'm certain if i drive into those trees,
it'll make less of a mess than you've made of me
<3 rainer maria <3
lightning on the water
like love
storms my head
fast as cars
arriving just in time...
thoughts of hellos and goodbyes and hugs fill my mind...
never to happen...
the door opens and i walk in...
just to see you leave.
the rain just kept coming down...
till all the heavens were emptied upon us...
and in this weather no one would ever notice...
the tears i shed
for you.
and i.
and us.

in my perfect world, that i dream about before i go to come to see me and you say that you never want to leave my side & will i love you ? and will i live with you forever? and i just smile like a fiend and the grin cant get any bigger and you hug me and giggle at how happy you made me, and its the cutest thing ever.
id like to be the shoulder that you cry on
id like the be the friend you call when things are great
and i really think i deserve the chance to sit across the table
and tell you that i think you're wonderful....cause you're something special
<3 rhon
(a tuesday in november)

arms are tired from holding this off
things dont get much worse
then when the leaves fall
(y e l l o w.b r o w n.and r e d.)
the life in them is lost
as was the life in her.

they sky is cold
(with f r i g h t)
and grey
(with s a d n e s s)
days short and dark.
the world is dying around me,
withering in the Autumn mist

so tired are my arms.
so tired are my eyes,
who watch placidly as i fall apart,
caving in upon myself.
piece by piece.
memory by memory--day by day